I need to apologize for dropping off the grid for a bit and taking most of my blog with me. I took down my posts because I cannot heal if I continue to write about the pain and sorrow I’ve been through. I need to move on and focus on the joys in my life.
I have been reading lots of posts from those who are suffering with the pain that betrayal unleashes: the insecurities, the uncertainty, the mistrust, the discovery of painful secrets, the triggers. I have been reading and my heart is saddened by all those who are affected by poor decisions made by our spouses. I am sorry for all of our losses: the loss of trust, intimacy, our sense of stability, confidence and self esteem.
I have invested much time to living through the pain and loss of all those things I have mentioned and so much more. Somehow, I was able to pick myself up and invest an even greater amount of time and energy into gluing myself together and trying to mend our marriage.
I have forgiven my husband, but I have not forgotten. One will never be able to get through the kinds of experiences that I have endured and be able to forget. It is impossible.
But if I say that I truly forgive him, then I need to let go of some of our past. For me, that means of letting go of the pain which I shared with you in the form of this blog.
One day, in the very near future, a random day for most, will mark 3 years from D-Day. I think I am done pissing and moaning about what was said and done up until D-Day.
I have decided that it is time that I focus on what I have found and spend less time talking about the things that I have lost along the way.
Among the things that I have found:
my inner strength has been fortified; my husband has loved me more deeply that what I ever thought; I have found that I can get past this.
I recognize that our marriage is far from perfect. It is not the marriage I thought I would have. But it is a marriage that I do not want to live without.
I know that I am not the perfect wife, and he is not the perfect husband. I am sure that I may not even be the wife of my husband’s dreams. But I am his wife.
I have chosen him. And he has chosen me. After the the dust settled and we accepted each other’s apologies. We chose one another again.
And I choose to focus on appreciating what we have. And working on the problems that still exist, but have the potential to strengthen our bond.
My wish for those of you who feel so utterly broken and damaged is that one day, you will become aware of the deepest part of you and realize that you are the only person who can make your own adventure!