This year, I rediscovered my holiday spirit. Some would say that I lost or misplaced it. But I would say that it just got buried with too many bad experiences.
D-day was sometime in early December 2009. The morning after D-day I had to put on a brave face for my little ones and some friends as we had a 9AM appointment to have breakfast with jolly Old St. Nick. I was in a fog and couldn’t think straight. Somehow, I am guessing for the sake of my children, I pulled off being a happy couple/family. About two hours after that, I asked my husband to leave. I literally could not breathe in his presence. That year, if it wasn’t for him, we wouldn’t have gotten the tree up and decorated. He did it while I was away at a work related conference. I barely got the Christmas shopping done, cards went out very late, I couldn’t stop crying.
The next year was still difficult as we were working through our problems and I was triggering left and right.
Last year I started to hit my stride until Christmas morning when I walked into the room and heard my husband wishing “her” a Merry Christmas. That moment destroyed my Christmas. And I let him know that he ruined, yet, another Christmas for me.
It is unavoidable you see because “she” is my sister.
I had severed ties with her after she publicly humiliated me via a verbal assault in a very public, family centered place. Her assault was a product of me confronting her about her actions with my husband behind my back. It was quite the spectacle.
While I do not communicate with her, I do allow my children to occasionally go to her house and visit with their cousins and celebrate birthdays and holidays together with other family. She usually does the same. She usually just drops her children off and works out transportation with the family to get them back to her.
This Christmas, she accompanied her children to a holiday gathering. It was very uncomfortable for me. I could barely stomach to look at her in her face. How could she do and say all the hurtful things she did? She never apologized for almost ruining her own sister’s life; and then she expects to show up one Christmas and think we can have a normal conversation? I only stayed for about 20 minutes before I decided I’d had enough and I left.
I want to be at peace with myself and forgive her. I do. I am not saying that I want to go back to being best friends, but I should be able to attend a family affair and not get a bitter, vile taste in my mouth and feel like kicking her ass.
I am not over the fact that she has not acknowledged that she did anything wrong. I am not over the fact that she has not apologized. I am not over the fact that she thinks we can just start casual chit-chat without talking about all the pain she put me, my husband and family through.
How can I forgive someone who has not even acknowledged that she hurt me? But at the same time, I have nothing to say to her. The last thing she said the me…more like screamed was for me to go fuck myself. Why does it matter so much to me?