Words to Live By

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Struggling Too

I have been reading some blogs and I am finding that I am in good company. Not that we want to be commiserating about our attempts at finding happiness and ourselves in a marriage that has been compromised. But the blogs I follow, Persuaded2go, Not Over It, and Repairing Shattered Pieces all seem to experiencing strong emotions that knock us for a loop.

Sometimes we get don’t see it coming, and BAM! you are there you are stressing and dealing the all the crap all over again. And other times it is a train wreck headed our way and we are like deer staring at the head lights as the train is barreling right towards us.

I have been battling inner demons trying to forgive my sister after she nearly destroyed my life. She hurt me so deeply by engaging in inappropriate behavior with my husband behind my back and then lying to me about it. This was the icing on the cake in relation all the other fucked up ways she tried to undermine my marriage, livelihood, reputation and life in general.

D-Day was more than 3 years ago. I had severed my relationship with my sister before D-Day for reasons unrelated to her indiscretion with my husband. So it wasn’t until 2 years after D-Day when I finally confronted her on her relationship with him. She exploded with vile name calling and fierce denial.

I have not spoken to her since then.

Until this past holiday season. All of a sudden she has been spending more time around the family, which has been causing me stress.

And it’s painful for me to watch my family trying to dance around me and my feelings toward her.

I have attempted to sit in the same room with her a few times. It is not a good feeling when she tries to be so friendly and normal like everything is okay. Well. It is NOT okay!

How can I sit in the same room with a woman (my own sister) who has lied, conspired, and humiliated me?

After all she has said and done to me, how can she sit there and pretend like its ok to try to start a normal conversation without ever trying to atone for or even acknowledge her actions?

How can I forgive he when she won’t even acknowledge that she betrayed her own sister?

In a way I am trying to forgive her because she is my sister, she made several gigantic mistakes and I feel that if I can forgive my husband, then it’s in my heart to forgive her. I feel like I need to forgive her so that I can let go of the weighty baggage that my heart carries.

But it’s really hard when she won’t even acknowledge that elephant in the room.

I am slowly realizing and having a hard time accepting the fact that I may never get that acknowledgment. All the while I am trying to figure out why I feel like I need to her say make that acknowledgement.

And that sucks!