Struggling Too

I have been reading some blogs and I am finding that I am in good company. Not that we want to be commiserating about our attempts at finding happiness and ourselves in a marriage that has been compromised. But the blogs I follow, Persuaded2go, Not Over It, and Repairing Shattered Pieces all seem to experiencing strong emotions that knock us for a loop.

Sometimes we get don’t see it coming, and BAM! you are there you are stressing and dealing the all the crap all over again. And other times it is a train wreck headed our way and we are like deer staring at the head lights as the train is barreling right towards us.

I have been battling inner demons trying to forgive my sister after she nearly destroyed my life. She hurt me so deeply by engaging in inappropriate behavior with my husband behind my back and then lying to me about it. This was the icing on the cake in relation all the other fucked up ways she tried to undermine my marriage, livelihood, reputation and life in general.

D-Day was more than 3 years ago. I had severed my relationship with my sister before D-Day for reasons unrelated to her indiscretion with my husband. So it wasn’t until 2 years after D-Day when I finally confronted her on her relationship with him. She exploded with vile name calling and fierce denial.

I have not spoken to her since then.

Until this past holiday season. All of a sudden she has been spending more time around the family, which has been causing me stress.

And it’s painful for me to watch my family trying to dance around me and my feelings toward her.

I have attempted to sit in the same room with her a few times. It is not a good feeling when she tries to be so friendly and normal like everything is okay. Well. It is NOT okay!

How can I sit in the same room with a woman (my own sister) who has lied, conspired, and humiliated me?

After all she has said and done to me, how can she sit there and pretend like its ok to try to start a normal conversation without ever trying to atone for or even acknowledge her actions?

How can I forgive he when she won’t even acknowledge that she betrayed her own sister?

In a way I am trying to forgive her because she is my sister, she made several gigantic mistakes and I feel that if I can forgive my husband, then it’s in my heart to forgive her. I feel like I need to forgive her so that I can let go of the weighty baggage that my heart carries.

But it’s really hard when she won’t even acknowledge that elephant in the room.

I am slowly realizing and having a hard time accepting the fact that I may never get that acknowledgment. All the while I am trying to figure out why I feel like I need to her say make that acknowledgement.

And that sucks!

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4 thoughts on “Struggling Too

  1. It’s one thing to forgive your husband, because he’s trying to help repair your marriage.

    It’s another thing to try to forgive someone who has no remorse. In my opinion, it can’t be done.

    You may be able to come to a place of acceptance (not to be confused with meaning that you’re ok with what was done), but forgiveness, probably not.

    And honestly? I wouldn’t allow her in my life at all. You do NOT have to be around her, acknowledge her, etc. It only brings you pain. And she likely enjoys it.

    • katesworld40 says:

      Thank you for your words of support. While things have gotten better between my husband and I, I get tense and upset whenever I know that my day will include being in her presence. I am trying to let that go, but it is just so hard. But you are right. I don’t need to subject myself to that pain.

  2. Teresa says:

    I agree with Samantha!! My H had a four month EA with a girl he dated only three times, before I had met him. She was his cousins best friend…..27 yrs later he flies home to attend a family wedding, with my full support…I wanted this to be a time to reconnect with his family because after being in the military and traveling the world, he just wasn’t very close to them….Anyway, he met the OW, his cousins BFF at the wedding…I feel they deliberately set him up with her (talking about her days before the wedding, telling him how badly her H treated her, going to breakfast with my H the day after the wedding and asking him what he thought of her, wasnt it great seeing her again, setting them at the same table, instead of sitting my H with HIS brother and sister, you get the picture!)
    Anyway, about 4 days after he got home, he received a text from his cousin, telling him the Cow wanted his cell number, so she could text him…and was it ok to give it to her…and like a fool, my H said yes! And TA-DA….we are now in EA recovery, 2 yrs and 3mos later!!

    My H broke off ALL contact with his two cousins, the day after Dday because they are NOT friends of our marriage, so that means they are toxic to my marriage…the same as your sister!! She’s obviously NOT sorry, no remorse, so that means she’s NOT a friend of your marriage…why would you talk to and have a relationship with ANYONE who’s not supportive of you and your H’s recovery??
    I think that people feel because there is the label of “family” attached to a relationship, they should make repeated attempts to “heal” any conflicts….not so!!
    Ask yourself this Kate…if your sister was your neighbor, or a woman you know from your gym, or a PTA aquaintance, and she had had an affair with your H…would you give her the time of day?? I don’t think so….so why bother with a person who didnt love YOU enough to make a decision to not hurt you, and then when discovered, has shown NO remorse?
    This is the time you take care of YOU!!!!

    • katesworld40 says:

      Teresa,
      You are so right! If she were some other woman, she would be history. Dust. Forgotten. But it just gets so complicated because of the fact that she IS family. She is at family events and everyone can see that she is acting normal and I look like I am being the rotten bitch because I am avoiding and ignoring her. So she comes across as the victim. It’s not in my nature to be mean and intentionally hurt anyone, but she has given me the strength to become mean. I really have such contempt for her that is often surprises me. I just don’t like having these negative feelings in my heart. I need to stop giving her that power.

      I am trying to get to a place where I can still keep my sanity and composure even if she is 5 feet away from me and be ok with keeping my distance.

      Believe me, forgiveness comes easier than trust. And I know that I will never trust her again.

      Even if I get to a point where I can forgive her, I know that our relationship would be very fragile and distant. It’s not like I would be welcoming her back into my life with open arms.

      I am sorry that you too have been betrayed by family. I think that when family is involved the pain runs a little deeper, because they are supposed to be the people that we assume who are going to help keep our marriages in a good place. It is such a shame.

      I wish you much peace and love in your journey too.

      Make Your Own Adventure!
      Kate.

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