Words to Live By

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Struggling Too

I have been reading some blogs and I am finding that I am in good company. Not that we want to be commiserating about our attempts at finding happiness and ourselves in a marriage that has been compromised. But the blogs I follow, Persuaded2go, Not Over It, and Repairing Shattered Pieces all seem to experiencing strong emotions that knock us for a loop.

Sometimes we get don’t see it coming, and BAM! you are there you are stressing and dealing the all the crap all over again. And other times it is a train wreck headed our way and we are like deer staring at the head lights as the train is barreling right towards us.

I have been battling inner demons trying to forgive my sister after she nearly destroyed my life. She hurt me so deeply by engaging in inappropriate behavior with my husband behind my back and then lying to me about it. This was the icing on the cake in relation all the other fucked up ways she tried to undermine my marriage, livelihood, reputation and life in general.

D-Day was more than 3 years ago. I had severed my relationship with my sister before D-Day for reasons unrelated to her indiscretion with my husband. So it wasn’t until 2 years after D-Day when I finally confronted her on her relationship with him. She exploded with vile name calling and fierce denial.

I have not spoken to her since then.

Until this past holiday season. All of a sudden she has been spending more time around the family, which has been causing me stress.

And it’s painful for me to watch my family trying to dance around me and my feelings toward her.

I have attempted to sit in the same room with her a few times. It is not a good feeling when she tries to be so friendly and normal like everything is okay. Well. It is NOT okay!

How can I sit in the same room with a woman (my own sister) who has lied, conspired, and humiliated me?

After all she has said and done to me, how can she sit there and pretend like its ok to try to start a normal conversation without ever trying to atone for or even acknowledge her actions?

How can I forgive he when she won’t even acknowledge that she betrayed her own sister?

In a way I am trying to forgive her because she is my sister, she made several gigantic mistakes and I feel that if I can forgive my husband, then it’s in my heart to forgive her. I feel like I need to forgive her so that I can let go of the weighty baggage that my heart carries.

But it’s really hard when she won’t even acknowledge that elephant in the room.

I am slowly realizing and having a hard time accepting the fact that I may never get that acknowledgment. All the while I am trying to figure out why I feel like I need to her say make that acknowledgement.

And that sucks!

I Had Such High Hopes For This Year

I really did.

2012 was a challenging year for me. By the end of the year, I was exhausted. I spent a good part of the year entrenched in taking care of my family. I spent an obscene amount of hours at doctor’s offices and hospitals learning about medical conditions, advocating for the patients and helping my loved ones cope with their medical problems.

I took the last week of the year off from work since the kids were home from school. And while I had plans to visit with family and friends, we found that we, as a family, we were very content with just staying home and not running around meeting deadlines.

It was so relaxing to just sit back and not do a friggin damned thing. It was refreshing to not have to race against the clock. So by New Year’s Eve, I was refreshed, recharged and ready to face a new day and a new year. I had a very positive attitude and outlook on having a good year.

But then reality has been kicking me in the head at every turn. It’s only one week into the new year and I have dealing with much loss. I have been helping friends deal with the loss of someone special in their lives; the loss of income in someone else’s and the the sad loss of love, relationship and marriage between friends.

I am still holding on to the hope that things will get better and the dim light that surrounds me and my friends will brighten up.

Hope. Remains.
Make Your Own Adventure.

I know I can’t wait to figure out what my next adventure will be!

Kate.

How Can I Forgive Her?

This year, I rediscovered my holiday spirit. Some would say that I lost or misplaced it. But I would say that it just got buried with too many bad experiences.

D-day was sometime in early December 2009. The morning after D-day I had to put on a brave face for my little ones and some friends as we had a 9AM appointment to have breakfast with jolly Old St. Nick. I was in a fog and couldn’t think straight. Somehow, I am guessing for the sake of my children, I pulled off being a happy couple/family. About two hours after that, I asked my husband to leave. I literally could not breathe in his presence. That year, if it wasn’t for him, we wouldn’t have gotten the tree up and decorated. He did it while I was away at a work related conference. I barely got the Christmas shopping done, cards went out very late, I couldn’t stop crying.

The next year was still difficult as we were working through our problems and I was triggering left and right.

Last year I started to hit my stride until Christmas morning when I walked into the room and heard my husband wishing “her” a Merry Christmas. That moment destroyed my Christmas. And I let him know that he ruined, yet, another Christmas for me.

It is unavoidable you see because “she” is my sister.

I had severed ties with her after she publicly humiliated me via a verbal assault in a very public, family centered place. Her assault was a product of me confronting her about her actions with my husband behind my back. It was quite the spectacle.

While I do not communicate with her, I do allow my children to occasionally go to her house and visit with their cousins and celebrate birthdays and holidays together with other family. She usually does the same. She usually just drops her children off and works out transportation with the family to get them back to her.

This Christmas, she accompanied her children to a holiday gathering. It was very uncomfortable for me. I could barely stomach to look at her in her face. How could she do and say all the hurtful things she did? She never apologized for almost ruining her own sister’s life; and then she expects to show up one Christmas and think we can have a normal conversation? I only stayed for about 20 minutes before I decided I’d had enough and I left.

I want to be at peace with myself and forgive her. I do. I am not saying that I want to go back to being best friends, but I should be able to attend a family affair and not get a bitter, vile taste in my mouth and feel like kicking her ass.

I am not over the fact that she has not acknowledged that she did anything wrong. I am not over the fact that she has not apologized. I am not over the fact that she thinks we can just start casual chit-chat without talking about all the pain she put me, my husband and family through.

How can I forgive someone who has not even acknowledged that she hurt me? But at the same time, I have nothing to say to her. The last thing she said the me…more like screamed was for me to go fuck myself. Why does it matter so much to me?

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A New Beginning.

I need to apologize for dropping off the grid for a bit and taking most of my blog with me. I took down my posts because I cannot heal if I continue to write about the pain and sorrow I’ve been through. I need to move on and focus on the joys in my life.

I have been reading lots of posts from those who are suffering with the pain that betrayal unleashes: the insecurities, the uncertainty, the mistrust, the discovery of painful secrets, the triggers. I have been reading and my heart is saddened by all those who are affected by poor decisions made by our spouses. I am sorry for all of our losses: the loss of trust, intimacy, our sense of stability, confidence and self esteem.

I have invested much time to living through the pain and loss of all those things I have mentioned and so much more. Somehow, I was able to pick myself up and invest an even greater amount of time and energy into gluing myself together and trying to mend our marriage.

I have forgiven my husband, but I have not forgotten. One will never be able to get through the kinds of experiences that I have endured and be able to forget. It is impossible.

But if I say that I truly forgive him, then I need to let go of some of our past. For me, that means of letting go of the pain which I shared with you in the form of this blog.

One day, in the very near future, a random day for most, will mark 3 years from D-Day. I think I am done pissing and moaning about what was said and done up until D-Day.

I have decided that it is time that I focus on what I have found and spend less time talking about the things that I have lost along the way.

Among the things that I have found:
my inner strength has been fortified; my husband has loved me more deeply that what I ever thought; I have found that I can get past this.

I recognize that our marriage is far from perfect. It is not the marriage I thought I would have. But it is a marriage that I do not want to live without.

I know that I am not the perfect wife, and he is not the perfect husband. I am sure that I may not even be the wife of my husband’s dreams. But I am his wife.

I have chosen him. And he has chosen me. After the the dust settled and we accepted each other’s apologies. We chose one another again.

And I choose to focus on appreciating what we have. And working on the problems that still exist, but have the potential to strengthen our bond.

My wish for those of you who feel so utterly broken and damaged is that one day, you will become aware of the deepest part of you and realize that you are the only person who can make your own adventure!

Kate.

Things Im Afraid To Tell You

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I saw this post on www.honestmom.com blog and was intrigued.  So I thought I’d join in the fun.  I am a total virgin at this so here goes…

  1. I blog anonymously for a few reasons. If my husband found out, he probably File for divorce. If my family found out, they’d disown me. And if my in-laws found out, they’d sue me for libel.
  2. I am a sucker for black & white movies. I especially love anything with Grant, Dunne, Stewart, Tracy & The Great Kate!  (Hepburn for those of you too young to know).
  3. No one, not even my husband or BFF, know that I have been prescribed (and taking) Xanax to combat anxiety & panic attacks since my last birthday.
  4. I am really worried (hence the Xanax) that undiagnosed bipolar disease runs in my immediate family.  It is scary.
  5. Apparently, I am a closet adrenaline junkie. I speed, like all the time, I enjoy target practice, rides on jet skis, speed boats and airplanes.  I thoroughly enjoyed my skydiving adventure several months ago, and am looking for a new adventure.
  6.  Obnoxious noise pollution drives me nuts.  The sound of lawn mowers (professional grade), leaf blowers and weed whackers the loud unmuffled engines screeching sounds incite an anger in me and I just want to run outside throw water on those ear-offending engines.
  7. I care too much about people and their situations.  I care to the point that I get involved and then when I am handed the short end of the stick, I find myself repeating the cliche: No Good Deed Goes Unpunished.  Hence, that was the reason for the start of my blog.  But then my life was upended and went haywire and my blog was hijacked (as is most of my life).

So here I am.  I am almost done picking up the pieces (most of them) and putting together a mosaic with the broken pieces of the life I used to have and am hoping to create a masterpiece.  At least that is my goal.

Thank you to JD at Honest Mom for doing this!

Who Am I? I am FEARLESS!

I voluntarily jumped out of an airplane. I paid money to strap myself to a total stranger and step out of an airplane at 13,500 feet above the earth. It was INSANE! It was reviving, invigorating. I have never felt so ALIVE!

 
Was I scared? HELL YEAH (well at first)!! My hands were heavy with sweat during our ascent. I could not tell you which was louder, the pounding of my heart or the thundering of the plane’s engines.

 
As we ascended higher, my body was getting stiff with nervous energy. I began taking deep belly breaths and felt tension and anxiety loosen their grip and I felt my body become more relaxed. My shoulders dropped and I unclenched my jaw. I felt ready to enjoy my adventure. And then I stepped into air. I took that leap of faith that I was capable to doing something so incredibly awesome. Then, it was me tumbling into the air. AND I LOVED IT!

 
A nanosecond into free fall and it felt like I could barely breathe. But I was breathing. When I realized that I was breathing too fast; it then it felt like I couldn’t get enough air into me. The surge of me, breaking the otherwise undisturbed air, invaded my nostrils and forced my lips apart to form a smile. But then again, I was smiling. I had to quickly teach myself to manage my breathing. I was thoroughly enjoying this ride.

 
Since this was my first skydiving adventure I paid extra money to have a photographer capture my journey, a 2.5 mile descent back to earth with video and photographs.

 
When I look at the video and photos, I am smiling in every shot. I am sure when I talk (gush) to my friends and family about my experience, they feel the exhilaration and thrill.

 
As I was plummeting at an estimated 100 miles per hour during the free fall, I was in complete awe. I was amazed that I was actually doing this. I was amazed at the scenery that lay beneath me. I usually see landscapes like this out of a 9×12.5 inch window on a plane; which doesn’t give a clear view because the windows are so blurry with thickness and sometimes coated with a layer fog or ice crystals. But now I had a crystal clear, 360 degree view of my world. And it is a beautiful world that I was quickly plummeting toward.

 
When my skydive instructor pulled the rip cord I was suddenly jerked from my belly first free fall into a vertical position. And then the view was even more majestic. We glided to the left and we glided to the right. It was so serene and peaceful. I had time to appreciate the beauty the landscape had to offer.

 
My senses were overwhelmed by the beauty and serenity and majesty of this place we call home. Looking down, I had a new perspective on everything.

 
As we descended, the air was no longer cool and refreshing. It became hotter and thicker with summer humidity. While I did land on my ass, with my legs stretched out in front of me as instructed, it was a soft landing. I was invigorated. I was pumped with adrenaline, but my legs were like jelly. I had trouble trying to stay steady as I tried to stand. The instructor reached out to me and I grabbed his hand as he helped me to my feet. I was buzzing with so much excitement that I was woozy.
About 30 minutes after we landed and I was already in my car driving back home, my stomach began to feel weak. I started to feel slightly nauseous. But I felt invincible and ALIVE.

 
It has been several months since my leap. And I still sit back and smile and say to myself, “I am my own hero. I jumped out of a plane. And I can’t wait to do it again.”